“Accepting means you allow yourself to feel whatever it is you are feeling at that moment. It is part of the isness of the Now. You can’t argue with what is. Well, you can, but if you do, you suffer.” ~ Eckhart Tolle -
Depression is anger turned inward. So they say.
Depression is feeling as if there is nothing to be grateful for but knowing that there is much to be grateful for then searching for something to be grateful for, finding something to be grateful for & acknowledging, but still feeling just ..... meeeehhhhhhh ... all over. Then feeling guilty for feeling like an ingrate, then being pissed for being such a loser Then feeling pissed for being pissed and so on.
Then the clouds break and the heart and the head are in agreement. There is always something to be grateful for. Ahhhhhhh. Hope. Happiness. Yay.......
Then the heart skies darken and gratitude dissipates and the feeling of nothing returns and ....so on and so on......
It's wise to recognize the ebb and flow of depression. Recognize & detach. Feeling that each emotion is going to last forever is so easy. Each emotion is so intense that surely the feeling must be impenetrable. It must be permanent. Yes?
Nope. Just feels that way. What can be permanent is the reaction to these dualities. We try to hold onto the "happiness" and when that feeling begins to fade we get angry with ourselves for .... I don't know, not working hard enough, not doing the right kind of work? Not being able to process like everyone else? Not getting enough accomplished during the Up time? I don't know. There is just anger ... and sadness. Deep sadness.
Or maybe, this is just me.
Yes. There is medication for aaalll this. However, I've seen people on meds cycle in and out of their emotions hard & fast, never stopping to look past the surface of it all. People just floating around shrill and happy during the up times, then, just in a hole for weeks during the not so up times.
Yes, my experiences are easy compared to others. I have never been "clinically" diagnosed. I also wasn't allowed to give into my not so up times when I was an adolescent (or, I wasn't allowed to do so socially, I guess). No matter how I was feeling there were still expectations about fulfilling responsibilities.
"You think you sad now? Think how sad you'll be if you lose your job and have no money to go out with your friends."
So, I learned how to posture which is not necessarily a bad thing.
And now, I kind of know my triggers. I feel the changing of the seasons very deeply - especially summer into fall. Springtime in Ohio affects me because springtime is often nonexistent in Ohio. And winter is rough, rough rough. Summertime can be a downer. Often it's just like winter, only warmer. The struggle to meet responsibilities and enjoy the short warmth is frustrating at times.
I also fluctuate between wanting to be alone and wanting to be around people. Sometimes pictures on Facebook of people socializing can put me a little down. But usually the anxiety associated w/socializing is larger than the desire to socialize. I'm really more of an introvert in an extrovert's line of work. I need a lot of quiet time at the end of the week (or sometimes the end of the day). But I also desire to do activities that require I am around people. And that madness can make me angry.
Personal confrontations can throw me off balance. I'll argue 'til the cows come home about a big picture subject, but quickly cave in and accept personal affronts in order to keep peace. This can make me spiral.
Lately I have been trying to be more aware of my glimmer. That's what I call it anyway. It's my light of hope, strength & belief (or again, hope) that everything is as it should be and I am walking my path for a reason. Everyone has a glimmer. Mine is a blue flame that sits between my solar plexus and my heart. I don't know why. This is just where I've always felt it. Yours may be a sunset in your navel or feel like a small whisper in your heart or simply a deep "knowing" that sometimes seems to get buried under the clutter of questions. Sometimes my glimmer is a flame. Sometimes, it's very very small like an ember. But, it's always there.
It's always there.
Depression is feeling as if there is nothing to be grateful for but knowing that there is much to be grateful for then searching for something to be grateful for, finding something to be grateful for & acknowledging, but still feeling just ..... meeeehhhhhhh ... all over. Then feeling guilty for feeling like an ingrate, then being pissed for being such a loser Then feeling pissed for being pissed and so on.
Then the clouds break and the heart and the head are in agreement. There is always something to be grateful for. Ahhhhhhh. Hope. Happiness. Yay.......
Then the heart skies darken and gratitude dissipates and the feeling of nothing returns and ....so on and so on......
It's wise to recognize the ebb and flow of depression. Recognize & detach. Feeling that each emotion is going to last forever is so easy. Each emotion is so intense that surely the feeling must be impenetrable. It must be permanent. Yes?
Nope. Just feels that way. What can be permanent is the reaction to these dualities. We try to hold onto the "happiness" and when that feeling begins to fade we get angry with ourselves for .... I don't know, not working hard enough, not doing the right kind of work? Not being able to process like everyone else? Not getting enough accomplished during the Up time? I don't know. There is just anger ... and sadness. Deep sadness.
Or maybe, this is just me.
Yes. There is medication for aaalll this. However, I've seen people on meds cycle in and out of their emotions hard & fast, never stopping to look past the surface of it all. People just floating around shrill and happy during the up times, then, just in a hole for weeks during the not so up times.
Yes, my experiences are easy compared to others. I have never been "clinically" diagnosed. I also wasn't allowed to give into my not so up times when I was an adolescent (or, I wasn't allowed to do so socially, I guess). No matter how I was feeling there were still expectations about fulfilling responsibilities.
"You think you sad now? Think how sad you'll be if you lose your job and have no money to go out with your friends."
So, I learned how to posture which is not necessarily a bad thing.
And now, I kind of know my triggers. I feel the changing of the seasons very deeply - especially summer into fall. Springtime in Ohio affects me because springtime is often nonexistent in Ohio. And winter is rough, rough rough. Summertime can be a downer. Often it's just like winter, only warmer. The struggle to meet responsibilities and enjoy the short warmth is frustrating at times.
I also fluctuate between wanting to be alone and wanting to be around people. Sometimes pictures on Facebook of people socializing can put me a little down. But usually the anxiety associated w/socializing is larger than the desire to socialize. I'm really more of an introvert in an extrovert's line of work. I need a lot of quiet time at the end of the week (or sometimes the end of the day). But I also desire to do activities that require I am around people. And that madness can make me angry.
Personal confrontations can throw me off balance. I'll argue 'til the cows come home about a big picture subject, but quickly cave in and accept personal affronts in order to keep peace. This can make me spiral.
Lately I have been trying to be more aware of my glimmer. That's what I call it anyway. It's my light of hope, strength & belief (or again, hope) that everything is as it should be and I am walking my path for a reason. Everyone has a glimmer. Mine is a blue flame that sits between my solar plexus and my heart. I don't know why. This is just where I've always felt it. Yours may be a sunset in your navel or feel like a small whisper in your heart or simply a deep "knowing" that sometimes seems to get buried under the clutter of questions. Sometimes my glimmer is a flame. Sometimes, it's very very small like an ember. But, it's always there.
It's always there.
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