Deep breath in.
Let it out.
K. Here goes.
My name is Jennifer, & I am a cranky yogi. Right now i am anyway and ... well, often I am.
This is a difficult post for me to write. However, as i move into the next phase of life, i simply wish to live authentically. First, i need to figure out what exactly living authentically means ... or means for me anyway.
I mean, yoga people are expected to be .... what? Eternally internally mellow and externally fit? Oozing wisdom & spirituality?
I would love to be a floaty yogi. You know. The ones who have starlight shining from their eyes and sunbeams shooting from their heart chakra. They have the yamas and niyamas down! In fact they climb all over the 8 limbs like circus performing children on monkey bars. Bitches! (see, cranky) They are simply oozing harmony and unity. So much so that Monarchs come to rest on their shoulders attracted by that sweet smelling sweaty nectar of equanimity and non-judgement.
But, I am not all that. The fact of the matter is there is this dark place where i tend to hang out frequently. Whether this place was inherited from my ancestors, or whether it was constructed from conditioning, it can be a pretty dark place. Sometimes, it's a place of solace and sometimes a place of deep sadness & loneliness.
My therapist tells me i am depressed. Yes. I said therapist. Because everybody needs someone to talk to sometime. & if i pay someone to listen, at least they'll act like they're listening & not interrupt. Yes?
Deep breath in.
Let it go.
But, here is the thing .... the other side of darkness is light. And honestly, spending too much time on either side is not healthy, in my opinion. Overly happy people need to calm the hell down and overly sad people need to get over themselves (yeah, i'm including myself in that group).
So, my goal for the year is to work that balance... to take a seat in that space between darkness and light. To bask a little bit in those warm golden rays of contentment. Sometimes, in my area if you get to the lake at just the right time, you can see the night sky rolling in from east to west. And there is a moment of time where you are standing right in between night and day. Darkness on one side & light on the other. It's not as though the points are divided so much as they are simply working together. But it's a very comforting and powerful moment for me. And that is kind of how i define contentment - as a resting space between the happiness & sadness. And i think to live authentically is to be content. Not complacent ... but content. and detached. contentedly detached .... balanced.
So, this is my journey. Honestly, my chest is a little tight from pangs of anxiety as i write this. I am really a rather private person. But the first step to anything, really, is accepting the present moment. And maybe there are others who are splashing around in a similar psychological mud pit. And, maybe, just maybe ... i can be of some use after all.
Deep breath in.
Let it go.
Let it out.
K. Here goes.
My name is Jennifer, & I am a cranky yogi. Right now i am anyway and ... well, often I am.
This is a difficult post for me to write. However, as i move into the next phase of life, i simply wish to live authentically. First, i need to figure out what exactly living authentically means ... or means for me anyway.
I mean, yoga people are expected to be .... what? Eternally internally mellow and externally fit? Oozing wisdom & spirituality?
I would love to be a floaty yogi. You know. The ones who have starlight shining from their eyes and sunbeams shooting from their heart chakra. They have the yamas and niyamas down! In fact they climb all over the 8 limbs like circus performing children on monkey bars. Bitches! (see, cranky) They are simply oozing harmony and unity. So much so that Monarchs come to rest on their shoulders attracted by that sweet smelling sweaty nectar of equanimity and non-judgement.
But, I am not all that. The fact of the matter is there is this dark place where i tend to hang out frequently. Whether this place was inherited from my ancestors, or whether it was constructed from conditioning, it can be a pretty dark place. Sometimes, it's a place of solace and sometimes a place of deep sadness & loneliness.
My therapist tells me i am depressed. Yes. I said therapist. Because everybody needs someone to talk to sometime. & if i pay someone to listen, at least they'll act like they're listening & not interrupt. Yes?
Deep breath in.
Let it go.
But, here is the thing .... the other side of darkness is light. And honestly, spending too much time on either side is not healthy, in my opinion. Overly happy people need to calm the hell down and overly sad people need to get over themselves (yeah, i'm including myself in that group).
So, my goal for the year is to work that balance... to take a seat in that space between darkness and light. To bask a little bit in those warm golden rays of contentment. Sometimes, in my area if you get to the lake at just the right time, you can see the night sky rolling in from east to west. And there is a moment of time where you are standing right in between night and day. Darkness on one side & light on the other. It's not as though the points are divided so much as they are simply working together. But it's a very comforting and powerful moment for me. And that is kind of how i define contentment - as a resting space between the happiness & sadness. And i think to live authentically is to be content. Not complacent ... but content. and detached. contentedly detached .... balanced.
So, this is my journey. Honestly, my chest is a little tight from pangs of anxiety as i write this. I am really a rather private person. But the first step to anything, really, is accepting the present moment. And maybe there are others who are splashing around in a similar psychological mud pit. And, maybe, just maybe ... i can be of some use after all.
Deep breath in.
Let it go.
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